*Please note that this is a satirical blog post for the sake of humour. Please do not do any of the following “tips” that we are about to describe.
Sick and tired of being told you need a professional to help out with your website? Worry no more! If you want the easy way out, have we got a checklist for you. Here are our top ways to bypass the boring stuff like proper SEO, valuable content, and building a decent brand!
1: Nix the SEO
Keywords that make sense? Pffft. Everyone knows that the best keywords make no sense yet people look them up anyway. They don’t have to make sense in the context of what you’re featuring on your website either! Heck, some of the most widely searched keywords are misspelled (it’s true!). And who cares how they’re placed? You want to add the keyword “seo seo” on your website a million times? What’s stopping you? Go for it! Oh, and that pesky alt and title text? Don’t worry about it. Google’s smart, right? I mean, it’s not like it has rules or weird thingamabobs called algorithms. It’ll pick up on your pictures just fine! And speaking of…
2: Do Whatever You Want with Your Pictures and Text!
You want that photo even though it’s already been used on someone else’s website and requires copyright? Use it! You want to add a background full of imagery that distracts from the text because what you wrote is the equivalent of a first-grader? Do it! Do you want to say everything you want to say on the front page with sound effects and animated GiFs? Go right ahead! You want to use comic sans for text font? Yeah you do. Do it.
Don’t have the money for professional photography? Take the picture yourself! Who cares if it’s an up-close shot of your secretary’s nostrils, so long as it’s unique? Talk about the best about page shot ever! Moving on…
3: Lie about Yourself
Who cares about being honest on about pages these days? Or professional? Being professional equals boring anyway. So if you’re having trouble writing that darn about page, make stuff up! Tell the world every detail about your jobs before you decided to build this website of yours. They’re all going to find out on social media anyway!
…Or WILL they?
4: Ignore Social Media
Who needs Facebook anyway? I mean, just because the rest of the world is on Facebook doesn’t mean you have to be. Or Twitter, for that matter. Or LinkedIn. In fact, don’t bother with this, it’s not like you have anything to offer to the world anyway. Standing out from the competition totally means going against the grain by not having social media. You can just hire your grandpa if you need someone to help sell your product line of makeup, if that’s what you need to do.
…Actually, having social media for that would be hilarious. Forget what I said. At least get on to YouTube and show off your grandpa wearing your latest new shade of lipstick.
5: Have ALL the Links!
Who cares if your home page is only a list of hyperlinks? It’s great backlink building! Just stick any old link anywhere that has nothing to do with your business and watch the comments flow in! That is what you’re trying to get – attention, right?
And why stop with the linkage there? You should go and comment everywhere on everyone else’s website and leave a link to your website on their blogs. That will show them you care about their content! Who cares if their blog is about gardening and yours is about oil?
What’s that? The links you’re using don’t work? Pfft, they’ll just fix themselves, don’t worry.
6: Don’t Tell Google Who You Are
Contact pages are just annoying to program, and if you’ve read up to this point I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be found, do you? You’d rather not let Google know who you are, is what you’re thinking. Well, don’t! Make the task of trying to find out who you are a real chore; that way when you meet the people who DO figure it out, you can give them a cookie! Or a web page that says “congrats” and keep that cookie to yourself. Whatever floats your boat.
For that matter, maybe not tell your audience who you are either. Give yourself a sense of mystique by having literally no info about yourself, and put that nostril photo to better use by sticking it on the home page. Now THAT’S how you attract attention to your business!
And there you have it! How to make the worst possible website ever. Have fun annoying everyone and everything you’ve ever loved! Oh, and don’t bother reaching out to whats-his-face—I think he works at V3 Media or something? All I know is that they talk about “professionalism” and “great website design”. Who even wants that these days?